My Last post

Feb 08

This is perhaps my last post under this blog. Past 20 months has been the time that brought biggest changes in my personality. I have learned so much from the people around me that no school or university could have possibly taught me.
To learn from the life, you need to live a life. That is what I did.

I do regret that there has been some unfinished desires that I wished I would have exercised. For about three years, an idea has been creeping in mind, of going into the unknown world, without any means of security, money, cell phone, just all alone. See people, talk to them leisurely, make momentarily friends, share thoughts. Just me, no companion, no baggage, no fear, nothing. I wish I could experience the nakedness that a baby experience just after birth. No fear of judgement, no expectations, no insecurities. I want to tell people about myself, listen to their lives - anecdotes, pains, mundane things. Connecting at the very, very basic level.

I think I have forgotten the meaning of being alive. When a baby is born, he experience pain, hunger, suffocation, And then relief. The relief is what makes the life worth living. I don't remember when was the last time I had to suppress my hunger or thirst for more than 1 hour. I don't remember when I toiled in sun selflessly for anyone unknown. I don't remember last time when I had laughed carelessly, without getting self-conscious.

Another thing I really want to do is to go to a Farm and make a living of my own as a framer. Performing, perhaps the oldest job known to human kind. Away from knocking of metals coming from the industrial objects. Away from complicated, demeaning, logic driven businesses. Away from a society who relentlessly torture nature for their own illusive comforts.
I wish I could contribute to something that is the basic requirement for sustaining life.

My Obsessions - Bulleh's Wisdom, Abida's Passion and Punjabi

These are the days when I am again captured by the profound philosophy of Indian Sufism. The philosophy that brings people close. Indian Sufism is a version of Islam that is tolerant, non-orthodox and more human-centered. A beautiful poetic paradigm that convinces that love for a fellow being is no less than love for God.

I was introduced to Bulleh Shah's verses when I heard of the Song "Bullah ki Jana" by Rabbi Shergill. It was the music that attracted me, I barely understood a word. I dig up the lyric, and tried to understand, but realized that I am not at all aware of Punjabi language(or any of its dialects - Saraiki, Multani). I only partially understood it, but felt that I followed the underlying philosophy. There were few hunches for some words, few intuitions associated with the over all message, but still it went deep down somewhere in my conscious thought process.

There are no limits in Bulleh Shah's eccentric way of expression. He understood before anyone that to stop the brutal communal violence in Punjab, he has to spread the message of Love in the most radical and passionate way possible. He understood the fact that every religion teaches only one lesson, just the ways are different. He also made efforts through his writings, to bring down the supremacy of Religious authorities by educating people that Religion divides. Perhaps, the most radical verse he wrote, for which people threw stones at him, goes as :

Masjid dha de, mandir dha de, dha de jo kucch dhainda
Par kisi da dil na dhain, Rab dilan vich rehnda..

He felt that religion was becoming more of a political tool at that period, though he also had the wisdom of knowing that all religions are evolved from and are complicated scripted manifestations of a single human emotion of Love. He strongly brought the basics of religion in one of his verse as:

Asaan ishq namaaz jadon neetee ay,
tadoon bhul gaye mandar maseeteay(masjid).

One verse that is one of my personal favorite is :

Chal Bulleya Chal Othe Chaliye Jithe Saare Anneh(blind)
Naa Koi Sadi Zaat Pechaaneh Naa Koi Sanu Manneh(worship)

I wish I could put all of his compositions as my interpretations. Perhaps my small Punjabi scripted diary is better place for that.

Abida is an artist beyond my meager intellect. I can not describe her in words. What I can feel is that she inspires me when Life is devoid of colors. She motivates me when I am stressed. She brings tears in my eyes whenever she sings a verse so meticulously, that the words directly touch me at the deepest places in my heart. At the same time, there is always something beautiful and inspiring message that brings a subtle smile on my face. It is a purely divine experience when warm tears roll down the smiling cheeks and mind goes into a completely unknown sublime dimension. Her passion for music is so profound that she let her voice reach the extremities of her vocal spectrum. This brings a huge variety in her repertoire. She sings Ghazal with a supreme delicacy, and a Sufi kalam in her voice seems like a divine manifestation.

Music to Lyrics is just like Spices is to Food. Body needs only food, but spicing it up catalyzes the process. Similarly, music helps in propagating and acceptance of words. Bulleh's writings when treated with the mesmerizing voice of Abida creates nothing less than ambrosia. Here is one of her musical compositions that I might have listened to about 100 times:





Now, when I have ample time to explore the mystic revelations of Bulleh Shah's verses, I could not resist myself in delving into Punjabi language. Punjabi in written form, can be seen in either GuruMukhi (popular on east side, India) and ShahMukhi( on the west side, pakistan). Gurumukhi is derived from devnagri script, while Shahmukhi is from arabic/persian script. To me the obvious choice was the former one, as it was somewhat familiar and potentially easy to grasp. It was not at all hard in the beginning, or may be the zeal for learning was so strong that everything looked effortless. In just 2 days (a weekend) of rigorous cramming of letters and practice, I was able to read and write with acceptable amount of errors. A few websites helped me a lot in learning it fast, and a small chart that I made to map Devnagri-Gurumukhi letters, really made things simple.

My obsession for Punjabi is at peak these days. One of my wish is to read the Punjabi novel Pinjar, by Amrita Pritam, in its original form. The movie based on the same name deeply inspired me to get an original copy 2 years back. Now when I have learned Punjabi and residing in Punjabi dominant region (Haryana was previously part of Punjab) I could not find a copy at an y shop, mall or library in this city. Not even on internet I could locate one.

Another writer that caught my attention is Shiv Kumar 'Batalvi'. Though his compositions that I have heard are quite different from the themes of Bulleh Shah or Amrita Pritam, they are quite rich and highly symbolic where a feeling/experience is occasionally objectified to give more creative space to the author.

I don't know what changed me so much since past few years, I don't know if it is for better or worse, but I know for sure that I feel more energetic, exuberant and passionate about a lot of things which were not at all part of my life. I think this might be a form of "Happyness" that I always looked out for.

My Consolation

Ishq di mere mitra pehchan ki
mit jaye zidd jadon apnaan di

There are two possible ways to approach this beautiful, yet dubious saying in Punjabi.

The first interpretation is quite straightforward, though it seem somewhat difficult to experience or imagine for most of the people. To me it means that love for you filled me with so much of love for every one, that now I see you everywhere. I see your smile on every face, I listen to your giggle in every sound, I see your compassion in all deeds, I see your passion in every whim. I am smitten with all you have given to me. Now, when I feel near to God why do I need a physical self of yours?

Some people say that this proverb is written as a consolation for the lovers who failed in achieving their love. I don't know if it has helped me anyway, but a few things I am really sure of - I always want to see her happy. I want to take care of her, even when she doesn't belong to me and not given me the right to do so.

Others think that this should be interpreted as :

Ishq di mere mitra pehchan ki
mit jaye, zidd jadon apnaan di

Here the, comma after jaye, completely changes its interpretation. Now it seems, that the lover will go any extremes, even looses himself, when he determines to reach his love. But love does not teach us to go extremes and do stupid destructive things. This can not be the message of Love. Love inspires, fills life with beauty, makes us happy - that is the how it binds all humanity. To me this can never be the correct interpretation.

My Stupidity

I am going nuts. This is not me. Don't know why I am falling for a near perfect image of someone, that I created in my own mind. I don't even know her quite well. I don't know if this is something divine or perhaps a just Stupid crush.

On the positive side, this stupid crush made me an amateur poet, a self-proclaimed portrait sketch maker and an avid listener of Sufi music. Whatever this is, it is bringing my creative side out. She inspires me a lot, unknowingly, which is the best part.

So here goes a small verse that I wrote while thinking about her. I wish I could also document those few bits and pieces of her sketches here, but I am too lazy and conservative to get them scanned.

Oh Girl, I am Lost

I let myself fall for you, didn't know where to stop

The abyss is much deeper than I thought

I can only spot Love near the abyss' horizon.

Had a halt there when I started from square one.

It was full of beautiful people

I asked my folks there - Have you seen my girl?

they blessed a smile on me and said - Yes,

she was here a long time ago, then took a birle!

[birle means walk away]

I let myself fall for you, didn't know where to stop

The abyss is much deeper than I thought

I crossed a place called faith some time ago.

It was quiet with an incandescent glow

Every thought was happy & content

I asked goodness if she has seen her!

she said there was a girl who she didn’t let stay

She was more beautiful than her!

I let myself fall for you, did not know where to stop

The abyss is much deeper than I thought

I passed Heaven during my fall

It was full of luxuries, big and small

I asked childhood if he can help in my search

he said she was playing with him lately

games in which she won many hearts

and for a unknown call she left us oddly

I let myself fall for you, did not know where to stop

The abyss is much deeper than I thought

Before reaching here I met my God,

I asked him - where should I plod!

He lured me to end all my miseries

in return of what he wanted my soul

I said it belongs to someone else,

help me if you can or otherwise I stroll !

I let myself fall for you, did not know where to stop

The abyss is much deeper than I thought

Ohh Girl, I know you will come and hold me

before I further fall.

Possible Interpretation(brief):

This poem is about a journey of my fall which also lead me into self-exploration.

I keep on falling for her, I reached love which she has already surpassed long time ago. I fell further to search her in my faith but didn't find her there. She is already imbibed much deeper in me. I fell further to reach my heaven, still she is not there. Then I met my god, but he is no good replacement of her.

My Answers

After spending months involved in dialog with my inner-self, I did not find my Faith. I was lost, struck with infectious Doubt on almost every moral issue. Then came a phase where things started to get clear. During my search for Faith, a series of incidents happened that gradually faded out the strangled thoughts in my mind.

First, I serendipitously bumped into a triad by Persian Sufi Rumi, which goes as-

Why should I seek? I am the same as

He. His essence speaks through me.

I have been looking for myself

The thought is simple, but it came to me with a new perspective altogether.

Second, words by a friend who said:

"whether there is a god or not, religions are there and will be there"

Third, Bullesh Shah's poetry. There is no single poem that i can pick. What transformed me was the passion that Bulleh expresses with his words for the loved one. There are no limits of society in his eccentric way of expression. Sometimes he belittles God when comparing with beloved Ranjha and sometimes he suggests to denounce kabba/kibla over the loved one. Sometimes he assumes himself as a kamli/kanjri and sometimes speaks like a dervish. He never took any side, he did not create his own "Bulleh-ism" to satisfy his egoist intentions. He just shared with us his pious Faith - Love is God.

Fourth, a movie named Doubt(2008). It simplified my thoughts to a great extent. The film revolves around a Nun who has a strong Faith in God. She feels injustice done to a boy in her school, she fought it bravely against all odds, against the head Priest. But even after winning the tussle, she is unhappy. She is struck with Doubt. Doubt that world is not run by the principles which are deeply imbibed in her. In essence, I perceived that Faith and Doubt are the two extremes of a line. More closer one is to Faith, more he is content and thus happy.

and Last, a thought by a random guy, Marco Paladini:

“Whether God exists or not, it has no influence on our lives. Whether we believe in God or not, that’s what does influence our lives”

Finally, I sense that My Answers are not the "answers". They are merely a food for my horse like conscience, that can help it go a little ahead for few months or years. I Doubt, It will be hungry again, soon .... . .

My Friends

I am sorry! My friends.

I had always wished the best for you. I did not remember when my wish turned into my assumption. I started to live under a sheet of belief that all of you are doing great and will be happy the way I saw you last time - full of hope, desires and a zeal to conquer the world. Eventually I stopped calling you, I did not renew contact when I came back to home country, I did not display my affection for you. I failed at maintaining social etiquette.

You are my friends, my strength as well as my weakness. You are a part of me and I am certainly a part of you too. When you are sad I cry, when you are happy I laugh. I have no identity without you.

I realized all this when I came to know about one of my best friend's friend, whose demise is almost certain. I am in a state of shock. Though, I am a man, I cannot not cry. I just felt that friendship is such a strong bond. I can feel my friend's pain in my heart. It feels that some part of me just died, a part that was so pure and untouched.

This is one more time "he" belittled us and made us feel that we are so small and insignificant. How our efforts to change his desires are merely self-conceited gestures.

My Dilemma

Jan 21

Life is without absolutes these days. As if there is nothing negative nothing positive. No happiness no sorrow, no love no hate, no like no dislike, no anger no sympathy, no life no death. It is not that I am loosing senses. It seems that there is nothing left that can shake my inner self.

One thing does bother me these days, a haunting thought of someone. She is great with people, full of life, always energetic, childish, more or less opposite personality to me. I have no idea why I am not able to get her out of my mind.

I don’t believe, and care in what people have to say. True desire doesn’t see any hurdles. My problem is that I don’t know my desire, for sure. I can only guess, it is to know her more, spend more time with her. I don’t know. I am not sure.

She is engaged, I believe. I have all the reasons to understand that and let go all this hysteria in mind. I am afraid I can’t control my mind. I am getting all sorts of bad and guilt full thoughts. Sometimes, I wish that good-for-nothing lucky bastard would die or they get a break up. Sometimes I get inspired from Namaste London where the guy keeps on l**ing the girl despite of the known facts. Dan in real life’s quote “L*** is not a feeling, it is an ability” also brings stupid ideas into my mind. Makes me to masquerade this anxiety by L*** and inspires for a huge gesture, which is again undoubtedly stupid.

But I want to give it a chance. I am going to let her know about how helpless I am. I don’t want to live rest of my life without knowing what would have happened if I had expressed myself. I think this is a right thing for me. I don’t care much about the awkward silences, or the avoidance of eye contact that may follow for a few weeks. My only fear is that I care so much for her that I don’t want to put her into any kind of emotional anxiety, even for a while.