My Dilemma

Jan 21

Life is without absolutes these days. As if there is nothing negative nothing positive. No happiness no sorrow, no love no hate, no like no dislike, no anger no sympathy, no life no death. It is not that I am loosing senses. It seems that there is nothing left that can shake my inner self.

One thing does bother me these days, a haunting thought of someone. She is great with people, full of life, always energetic, childish, more or less opposite personality to me. I have no idea why I am not able to get her out of my mind.

I don’t believe, and care in what people have to say. True desire doesn’t see any hurdles. My problem is that I don’t know my desire, for sure. I can only guess, it is to know her more, spend more time with her. I don’t know. I am not sure.

She is engaged, I believe. I have all the reasons to understand that and let go all this hysteria in mind. I am afraid I can’t control my mind. I am getting all sorts of bad and guilt full thoughts. Sometimes, I wish that good-for-nothing lucky bastard would die or they get a break up. Sometimes I get inspired from Namaste London where the guy keeps on l**ing the girl despite of the known facts. Dan in real life’s quote “L*** is not a feeling, it is an ability” also brings stupid ideas into my mind. Makes me to masquerade this anxiety by L*** and inspires for a huge gesture, which is again undoubtedly stupid.

But I want to give it a chance. I am going to let her know about how helpless I am. I don’t want to live rest of my life without knowing what would have happened if I had expressed myself. I think this is a right thing for me. I don’t care much about the awkward silences, or the avoidance of eye contact that may follow for a few weeks. My only fear is that I care so much for her that I don’t want to put her into any kind of emotional anxiety, even for a while.