My Questions

Dec 16

why?

Why this , why I am writing... .Perhaps one of the "Why" kind of questions I tend to ask before and after all of my actions.

Suddenly I am feeling a strong urge to write, to put forward into words what I have inside. I don't know why this is happening. May be its beyond my understanding what makes a person to express himself. May be its a basic need of a creative mind, just as food or sex is for body.

Recently I have felt a lot of changes in me, mainly psychological. I feel more dependent on the people surrounding me, I feel more attached, more loved. I feel like after spending about 6-7 years in a love-less and faithless environment, I lost the sole sense of humanity in me. And suddenly after coming back to my hometown where people still have souls, still rate the morals and human values more than materialistic pleasures, I am overwhelmed. At first, I was at a stage where I felt an inexplicable hatred for myself when I saw a few people whose goodness bummed me over. They are "good" in their own way.

I don't know why she is so special person to me. She is exactly opposite to me. She is a God believer in a traditional way. BTW, just for reference here, there are two kinds of God believers; One kind, who blindly accept the supremacy of a eternal power, without raising a doubt. They are the followers where the leader is a hallucination, an image, an abstract concept of God in their own minds, inherited from the religious sections of the society. The second are the ones, who questions each and every axioms of this religious doctrine, and then pave down a logical, acceptable and reasonable way to support their faith. In simple words, one inherits the faith and other builds the faith. In my understanding, she lies in the first half and I am on my track of the other half, building up the faith. She has a strong beliefs about her religion, which I feel is the reason of her extraordinary strength as a human being. Yes, It requires strength to be a human, to fight injustice, to raise voice against bad, to have a moral ground which many of us would trade easily for a quick buck.

Sometimes, I tend not to fall into discussion/debate with her over the existence of God and the concept of Karma. I am afraid that I may shatter her faith, to some extent, if she unintentionally get convinced with my approach. On the same time I am also afraid that I may find my faith in her approach. But why afraid? Why I am so frightened of this transition?

I recently saw 2 movies - Beed-e-majnoon, by Majid Majidi and The winter Light by Ingmar Bergman. There is one thing common in both the movies. The protagonist in both movies is a person who has served God all his life but later looses his own Faith. One is blind professor who teaches holy scripture in a Persian University. His life has been a dark journey, a struggle where he found his only strength in his nearness to God. He seeks pleasure in the giggles of his young daughter, sounds of birds in his courtyard, splashing water noises in a creek and touch of his wife. Surprisingly, he finds one day, that his eyes are curable and went on to get a surgery in France. The surgery was successful. He is now gifted with the pleasure of sight. He is confused at first when he watches himself in mirror, see what those things look like that he touched, how is the floor where he walks. He is overwhelmed with the surprise as well as joy, he reaches a state of mind, where he is learning so many things, experiencing so many new feelings. The definition of Beauty is now changed, now his eyes decide what is beautiful and what is not. He falls in love with his student, loose morals, forgets caring his family which was everything to him before his surgery. He is now a greedy, faithless and callous character, madly in love with an aspect of a person(his student) which he could never had experienced without surgery. The Faith is Lost when he achieves the Power of vision.

The similar is the other protagonist. He is a Reverend in Swedish countryside who tend to lie more or less into the former category of God believers. He has been escaping the reality all his life, ignoring the atrocities during World Wars on innocent people, ignoring all religiously wrong things happening around. Now, he is in a state of dying belief. His wife has been dead for 4 years. He left his previous partner because she had leprosy two years ago. He is feeling guilt of his own shallowness and implicit hypocrisy. One day, one of the God's devotee comes to him to get her husband to have conversation with him. The husband is in utter depression, he has lost faith in the purpose of life after contemplating on how the realities of life are so inconsistent with the teaching of the Holy Bible. Reverend tried to console him, but he could not. His own faith is diminishing. Rather, He opens up himself in front of the devotee's husband and showed him his weakness. On his way back, the devotee's husband shot himself. The reverend continues to leave a life of despair and confusion.

I don't want to be like either of them. I know how it is to live a life with no beliefs, no faith, no confidence, no self-esteem. It is not worth living. I am in process of building up my own way to eternal peace. I am looking out to solve the unanswered questions of my life by my own, in my own way. I want to keep myself in the state of that journey. I am in no hurry to reach the other end of the tunnel.