My Stupidity

I am going nuts. This is not me. Don't know why I am falling for a near perfect image of someone, that I created in my own mind. I don't even know her quite well. I don't know if this is something divine or perhaps a just Stupid crush.

On the positive side, this stupid crush made me an amateur poet, a self-proclaimed portrait sketch maker and an avid listener of Sufi music. Whatever this is, it is bringing my creative side out. She inspires me a lot, unknowingly, which is the best part.

So here goes a small verse that I wrote while thinking about her. I wish I could also document those few bits and pieces of her sketches here, but I am too lazy and conservative to get them scanned.

Oh Girl, I am Lost

I let myself fall for you, didn't know where to stop

The abyss is much deeper than I thought

I can only spot Love near the abyss' horizon.

Had a halt there when I started from square one.

It was full of beautiful people

I asked my folks there - Have you seen my girl?

they blessed a smile on me and said - Yes,

she was here a long time ago, then took a birle!

[birle means walk away]

I let myself fall for you, didn't know where to stop

The abyss is much deeper than I thought

I crossed a place called faith some time ago.

It was quiet with an incandescent glow

Every thought was happy & content

I asked goodness if she has seen her!

she said there was a girl who she didn’t let stay

She was more beautiful than her!

I let myself fall for you, did not know where to stop

The abyss is much deeper than I thought

I passed Heaven during my fall

It was full of luxuries, big and small

I asked childhood if he can help in my search

he said she was playing with him lately

games in which she won many hearts

and for a unknown call she left us oddly

I let myself fall for you, did not know where to stop

The abyss is much deeper than I thought

Before reaching here I met my God,

I asked him - where should I plod!

He lured me to end all my miseries

in return of what he wanted my soul

I said it belongs to someone else,

help me if you can or otherwise I stroll !

I let myself fall for you, did not know where to stop

The abyss is much deeper than I thought

Ohh Girl, I know you will come and hold me

before I further fall.

Possible Interpretation(brief):

This poem is about a journey of my fall which also lead me into self-exploration.

I keep on falling for her, I reached love which she has already surpassed long time ago. I fell further to search her in my faith but didn't find her there. She is already imbibed much deeper in me. I fell further to reach my heaven, still she is not there. Then I met my god, but he is no good replacement of her.

My Answers

After spending months involved in dialog with my inner-self, I did not find my Faith. I was lost, struck with infectious Doubt on almost every moral issue. Then came a phase where things started to get clear. During my search for Faith, a series of incidents happened that gradually faded out the strangled thoughts in my mind.

First, I serendipitously bumped into a triad by Persian Sufi Rumi, which goes as-

Why should I seek? I am the same as

He. His essence speaks through me.

I have been looking for myself

The thought is simple, but it came to me with a new perspective altogether.

Second, words by a friend who said:

"whether there is a god or not, religions are there and will be there"

Third, Bullesh Shah's poetry. There is no single poem that i can pick. What transformed me was the passion that Bulleh expresses with his words for the loved one. There are no limits of society in his eccentric way of expression. Sometimes he belittles God when comparing with beloved Ranjha and sometimes he suggests to denounce kabba/kibla over the loved one. Sometimes he assumes himself as a kamli/kanjri and sometimes speaks like a dervish. He never took any side, he did not create his own "Bulleh-ism" to satisfy his egoist intentions. He just shared with us his pious Faith - Love is God.

Fourth, a movie named Doubt(2008). It simplified my thoughts to a great extent. The film revolves around a Nun who has a strong Faith in God. She feels injustice done to a boy in her school, she fought it bravely against all odds, against the head Priest. But even after winning the tussle, she is unhappy. She is struck with Doubt. Doubt that world is not run by the principles which are deeply imbibed in her. In essence, I perceived that Faith and Doubt are the two extremes of a line. More closer one is to Faith, more he is content and thus happy.

and Last, a thought by a random guy, Marco Paladini:

“Whether God exists or not, it has no influence on our lives. Whether we believe in God or not, that’s what does influence our lives”

Finally, I sense that My Answers are not the "answers". They are merely a food for my horse like conscience, that can help it go a little ahead for few months or years. I Doubt, It will be hungry again, soon .... . .