My State

5 Jan

I turned 25 last week. And we entered into a new year few days after that. Greetings, wishes, parties – casual and wild, nearness. But again the same question - Is this happiness?

I do have a loose definition for the term happiness. For me it is the clarity of my mind. Does not matter if I carry a smile on my face or not!

Now and then, I find myself surrounded with same questions I tend to bury deep in mind, So as to keep my self unoccupied to do the “survival tasks”, or job in simple terms. The questions are so many, and so elementary. Questions on life, on relationships, on god, on righteousness, on emotions. I thrived into religions, into philosophy, into psychology, into cinema, into art, into conversations, but the questions remained unanswered and gave birth to new curiosities and dilemmas.

Now, I feel that I am in a state of absolute confusion. I can speak for and against anything and win the debate, if it’s a conversation with someone else. But I fail completely if I get into argument with myself. I hate being this, I am losing confidence.

I do not know if this the way society works – with so many paradoxes, so many illusions and full of hypocrisy, defying all reasons and logic. If this is so, why it is like this. Can’t we do something? Or the better question is, shouldn’t we do something. Isn’t it our responsibility to make things free of dualities?

Sometimes, I try to calm myself by considering the world as a huge chaotic system that is evolving at superfast rate. Any attempt made to solve its mysteries will result in complete failure. The attempt could include any technique or strategy. Pandits, Reverends, Rabbis, Maulavis take help from the doctrines from religions; psychologists take help from observations of the real world, scientists have their own ways backed by unidirectional methods of logic and reasoning, and rest just follow one or the others. Everybody tries to make their beliefs universally accepted. Everyone is roaming around with their own theories and beliefs.

Does it mean there is no universal truth? If this is the case, Are we living just like animals, to fulfill our basic physical and emotional needs [Maslow pyramid]? What is the purpose of living or acting civilized? These thoughts push me towards nihilist zone.

Or does it mean that there do exist a unified truth, but everyone has customized and adapted it according to their thinking? This question gives me a hope to live. Even though I don’t see a clear answer to this question, I tend to believe that there is a truth.

I am not bright enough to foresee any pattern evolving among all the theories put forward by different sectors of the societies. I am still on no ones boat.